Psalm 30:5

...Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Some times that night can seem to last for an eternity, but morning really is just around the next corner.  Don't give up right before you reach your joy!!! 

---

God of All Things!!!

Since my last post, God has moved in such miraculous ways before my eyes.  It wasn't necessarily in the "BIG" situations either (though there were a few of those).  If I had not been LOOKING for God, I probably would have missed it.  Just think of how many blessings and miracles we miss praising God for simply because we were not WATCHING HIM.

It all started with my new beginning.  Something I have begged, pleaded, cried, fussed for, and even deceived myself into thinking I had already had at some points...Only to find myself in the same place...Face down on the ground before God going "WHAT NEXT??"  God gave me deliverance.  A promise I have probably held since the events happened in my life, but a promise I did not even begin to foresee until at least 3 years ago.  When I first caught glimpses of that promise Satan buried me in grief, heartache, hatred, all kinds of his poison.  Eventually I lost sight of the promise God had for me, and I slipped into the dark despair of a deep depression crammed pack of anything that could possibly cross your mind. 

Well, to make a long story as short as possible (And i doubt it will be short anyway)...I found my promise again.  This time I didn't let it get away from me.  I took it by both hands and let God firmly plant it in my heart. 

I am a survivor of years of Sexual and Emotional Abuse by the hands of several different people.  There are two individuals in particular whom I seem to have had the most difficult time with in my life though.  I have despised, hated, and wished the most awful wishes on these two people.  I have been nothing short of rude and heartless toward them in my adolescence and on into young adulthood (I didn't know how else to act toward them, any kindness on my part always seemed to gain an awful "undesired" sort of attention from them).  The emotion and most consuming feeling "HATRED" dominated my life though.  I hated hated hated him (them)...God's promise...You will not always hate them, forgiveness is possible, life (no longer emotionally crippled but...) emotionally strong IS possible...And it is...and I'm getting to experience it first hand now. 

I confronted one of the men.  Years of believing, then doubting, believing and hurting, then doubting and hurting...I would try to make myself believe it was all a fabrication of my mind, and I was the sick, sadistic individual who made this up...then things would happen and I would not be able to deny, and the reality would hurt...only to toss back and forth between the two extremes, ultimately ending in just "hurt".  He did not deny it.  He put my mind to rest.  I always feared that having it confirmed would ultimately destroy me...but it didn't.  It relieved me.  Let me know that I was not a complete nut case, even though I have felt like it much of the time.  He did not make excuses.  Actually, he really didn't say much.  That is okay though.  I didn't tell him much.  I let him know that I had hated him for a long time, and that he hurt me more than anyone, but God helped me and I no longer hate him.  I don't know exactly what my feelings toward him are...I guess "sorry"  I feel sorry for him because he does not know God, and having my forgiveness will not amount to a hill of beans on Judgment Day when he is standing face to face with God.  Other than that, I don't know how to feel toward him because all my life I have only felt fear and hate toward him, and now both are gone.  I don't worry much about how I feel toward him though, God will take care of that, I have already placed it in his hands. I let him know that I forgave him, and I listened to the small bit he had to say.  Ending it, I let him know that regardless of what he says, or how he proves himself, I will never take my eyes off of him.  I will forever be suspicious, and forever be watching, and he better not forget it either, because should i find "anything"...that's the end of that...I don't tolerate kids being hurt...I just don't do it...and now he knows it...but it felt better...I walked way, for the first time of my life...without being afraid of him...I got to see him for what he really was, rather than what the enemy has made him look to be in my eyes...he wasn't this snarling, huge, hideous monster anymore (though he sure did use to be in my eyes)...no, he was nothing more than a worn down, old man, who could not hurt me any more because I did not only take MY power back away from him, but I walked into the situation with the greatest power of all...the power of God.  How marvelous is that.  The miraculous encounter (which I never in all my life thought I would be able to do...confront one the men who abused me...) took place over the Labor Day Holiday, and has only served to make me more aware of Satan's tactics, and more aware of God's blessings.  The night following this "overthrow" of Satan's hold over a big portion of my life...was very difficult...but instead of wallowing in the difficult moments, trying to face it all alone...I prayed, and picked up the phone to call a lady who is not only a mentor in my life, but one of my dearest friends.  She listened to the events of my day, and to the difficulties I was faced with at the very current moment.  She reassured me, and prayed not on for me, but with me.  Afterward, all felt right in my world again.  God sent me the biggest blessing of my life since the day I received the Holy Ghost...Satan tried to hold me captive to a past that did not even exist in God's book any longer...God simply freed me totally from the mental chains that Satan had tied around me...

It has been a wonderful world since all of this happened.  God has shown me (through this event) that he is God of the massive, but following that day he has shown me that he is equally God of the small.  The things we would usually let go unnoticed, unless specifically looking for.  A good grade on a test, a little bit of courage for a speech (which I made an A on, praise God), plenty of time for sleep, and plenty of time for all the things that need to be done like cleaning, playing with the dogs, taking time to help a friend, etc.  I have to give credit where credit is due, and DEAR LORD all credit goes to you God.  He has answered every prayer I have called out to him in the past two weeks.  They were not massively, huge prayers in my mind either.  They were small things.

"Dear Lord, please calm my nerves and help me deliver this speech."  
"Dear Lord, please bring C and J to church to hear your word and feel your spirit."
"Dear Lord, please bless and encourage the church in a time which could prove to be so very discouraging."
"Dear Lord, please help me manage my time better, allowing time for all the necessities to get done."
"Dear Lord, ..."  And they go on...

What did he do...he answered. #1-- he calmed my nerves and helped me deliver my speech, and do well on it.  May seem rather simple and silly to anyone else, but to a college student who's GPA is rather important to her...this was important.
#2--Not only did he bring C and J once, but he has brought them back, and I have heard them say they want to try and make it a more permanent thing (coming to church).  #3--since the outbreak of this storm my church family has been going through, God has not only blessed and encouraged the members (from what I am hearing), but he has helped the church grow...we are growing, and will keep growing, and new children will be born into the family of God...every service since the departure of our friends (is what we will call them), God has brought visitors to the church...not in great numbers at one time, just one or two or three, here and there...every service since this has happened there have been new visitors...if that's not God I don't know what is.  #4 I've made sure to devout time to God at night before bed even when I really knew that "this assignment needed to be completed", "I really need to study for this test", "I should go to bed now because I need to get up early in the morning", "I need to return that phone call instead of..."(I do this because no one bothers me at night...cause they are all sleeping), and  because I have seen to it that my time with him has been there, he has seen to it that adequate time has been present to get everything that needed taking care of...DONE...He has managed my time for me.  These are just a few of the "little" things, that God has done for me...simple prayers, that often time we take advantage..."Oh, I don't have to pray for God's help on this school assignment...I can do it..." or "Oh, it is just a headache, I can take a Tylenol and wont have to pray."  HELLO, God is not only the God of the big things like CANCER...he is the God of the Headache too...We see things as "Important or NOT Important"   "Big or Little"...God sees "Important to you, then it's Important to me"...He doesn't see in "sizes"  of Big or small, He sees "One Size Fits All"  Prayer is that Size...Try it on...Say a prayer...God will hear...Don't worry about what others think...There is nothing to big or to small for God to take care of.  You don't have to take a single step alone...Instead, Take every step with God!!  He has been wonderful to me.  I am truly thankful, and the blessings just keep flowing.  Praise God, Praise God!!

---

Leaving you with a song that has played over and over in my head today.  He truly is Wonderful, and Merciful, and He is our Saviour.  He offers the healing for our hearts that no doctor, no psychologist, no medicine will ever be able to supply.  Remember prayer is One Size Fits All, and God is too!!!  If you haven't talked to him today, try using a life line and "Call him up, call him up, and tell him what you want."  He's never to busy for you.

Wonderful, Merciful Saviour

(Dawn Rodgers, Eric Wyse)

Wonderful, merciful Saviour
Precious Redeemer and Friend
Who would've thought that a Lamb could
Rescue the souls of men
Oh, You rescue the souls of men

Counselor, Comforter, Keeper
Spirit we long to embrace
You offer hope when our hearts have
Hopelessly lost our way
Oh, we've hopelessly lost the way

Wonderful, merciful Saviour
Precious Redeemer and Friend
Who would've thought that a Lamb could
Rescue the souls of men
Oh, You rescue the souls of men

You are the One that we praise
You are the One we adore
You give the healing and grace
Our hearts always hunger for
Oh, our hearts always hunger for

Almighty, infinite Father
Faithfully loving Your own
Here in our weakness You find us
Falling before Your throne
Oh, we're falling before Your throne

Wonderful, merciful Saviour
Precious Redeemer and Friend
Who would've thought that a Lamb could
Rescue the souls of men
Oh, You rescue the souls of men

 

Baby girl, I am so very very proud of You!!! You didn't think You had the courage, You didn't think things could turn out this way. Unlike men (or women) God has proven Himself one more time in one of His children's lives. He will never ever forget you or forsake you. You ask, He's there. Bigger and better than the Lone Ranger, Superman, Batman, The Fantastic Four and F.E.M.A. Thank You for such a beautiful reminder. The timing was perfect for this lesson once again in my life as well. Thank You sweet darlin! I love YOU!! *vixen suga on yas!

What a powerful testimony! God is so good. I will be praying for you as you continue this journey to emotional health. I have a dear friend whose father sexually abused her from age 3 - college, really sick stuff. She knows the Lord, and that is her only hope.

I'm so glad you have a mentor/prayer partner whom you can call. What a blessing she must be!

I think you may enjoy my daughter, Sarah Jane's, journal. She's also in college, and interested in psychology. She started out as a History ed major, switched to English ed, thought about biblcal counseling ( it's a Christian college ), and ended up going for her RN starting this year, her sophomore year. Here's the link:
http://sarahjanesworld.bravejournal.com/

Thanks for stopping by my journal.

Jill

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